I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
