my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Randomize
