Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
