it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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