went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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