You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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