Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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