You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
