she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
