george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
