My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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