Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
