two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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