If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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