I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
