I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
