You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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