You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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