Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
