Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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