My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Randomize
