I will die if light touches me.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
