If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
