fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
