you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
