dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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