Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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