update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
