Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
im six kinds of drunk right now
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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