There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Everyone says I win the strip club
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
