I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Girls should come with a carfax report
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
