its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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