Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
