I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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