He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My vagina just recognized that song.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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