You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Randomize
