I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
