Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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