Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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