Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
