I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
