i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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