from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
