when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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