Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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