there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
