im drinking this country out of the recession.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
