i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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