My cat gives me a boner
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
