I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
