and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
