you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Randomize
