Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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