You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
