How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
