Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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