Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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