His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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