If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
